Inside My Mind

It occurs to me that I am a thinker.  I think about things much more than most people, especially my husband.  He is a doer, he thinks then he does.  I think, feel, evaluate, reflect, examine, unearth then ponder some more.  My sons are both, one thinks too much, the other not enough….strange, and I will have to think about that at a later time.

Thinking about things is time consuming.  Your day can quickly unravel while you ponder the scope and consequences of any given task.  But in my mind, no event, task, question, emotion is exempt from deep evaluation.

Ponder is the word I prefer.  It sounds better to say you are pondering something than simply thinking about it.  To ponder signifies deep introspection, a desire to grasp the entirety of the situation, not just skim the details.

My grandmother would say she is studying on it.  As kids, we would ask Grannie if we could walk to the corner store by ourselves, or go to the movies, or play in the woods.  She would reply, “I’ll study on it.”  We were never sure how long it would take Grannie to study on it, but we knew the answer would not be instantaneous.  So we would lose interest and do something else, which come to think of it was probably Grannie’s plan all along!

As I have gotten older, there is a bit more time to sit and ponder.  It has become one of my favorite things to do.  I believe that is why I love photographs so much.  You can look at a picture and remember everything about the event, the sounds, smells, laughs, tears.  I can look at a picture I know nothing about, and my mind will invent an entire scenario, literally creating the past, present and future of the person or thing in the photo.

Did you know there are organizations called “Think Tanks” where people actually work.  I can only ponder what a great job that must be……….

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and it feels good to be writing again.  If you have read my previous posts, you will find a distinct diversion in this one; it is not about life’s economies but rather its complexities.

If you are like me, when planning a trip, even a short jaunt to the grocery store, I always choose the most direct route.  I prefer straight roads and avoid twists, turns, congestion and left hand turns.  But, sometimes I am forced to take an alternative route, the long and winding road that I don’t prefer………..

Just a brief background, life began for me in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  Both my parents were in college at the time. Although I never felt unexpected, I am pretty sure I was unplanned given my mom was only 19 and it was another 5 years before my brother came along.  Dad graduated soon after I was born and we moved to Greenville, South Carolina when I was only a few months old.

Our family stayed around the Greenville area until I was 14, other than a brief stint back in Tennessee, just long enough for my brother to be born.  The summer of my 14^th year brought a big change when Dad accepted a call to a church in Florida.  We loaded up our little clan and headed south. Mom was miserable in Florida the first couple of years and talked longingly about the time we would move back to South Carolina, the perfect place according to her.  She missed the seasons, the people and her work, South Carolina was home.

We did not leave Florida and in turn it was very good to our family.  Both my brother and I found the most amazing native Floridian spouses, beautiful children were born and satisfying careers enjoyed.  Life was good, and Florida was home.

Tragedy swept our nation in 2001, and the subsequent windstorm blew me and hubby to Woodstock, Georgia, well it wasn’t an actually wind as much as a job that moved us to Georgia!  Somewhat like my mother before me, I spent the first couple of years in Georgia wishing, longing, and plotting our return home.  Unlike my mom, though, I left behind not only extended family and friends, but my two sons!!

We lived in Woodstock for six years.  During that time, we fell slowly but surely in love with the beautiful place and people in Georgia.  My mom passed away in 2005 and my youngest son moved to California in 2007…life was changing and I longed for roots to hold me in place.  So, we (more I) jumped at the opportunity that came along for us to move back to Florida.  In 2008, we packed everything up and headed south again, I was one happy little mover!!  The road was leading us back home again.  I contently starting reconnecting with old friends, scheduling family dinners, and spending quality time with those I had missed so much.  But, it was not the utopia I had envisioned.  Unbeknownst to my psyche, our dear friends in Georgia had become my family too and I missed them.

The economic downturn, created a huge pothole in my road of life in 2009 when our oldest son’s career moved he & his wife from Florida to Texas.  Then as our Florida “opportunity” dissolved around us amidst some misplaced trust, I will not forget the day in 2010 when hubby told me we would be moving to …….. South Carolina.

It feels full circle and more than a little bittersweet to be here now.  I look around and it seems familiar.  I remember the smells, the feel, the terrain, the seasons, the Southern accent, I remember being here before, but yet it is different, I am different. I love South Carolina, the people are sweet and so is the tea!! Plus we are close enough to visit Georgia “family” and Florida family too.

But I will not say that South Carolina is home because I don’t know how long we will be here.  It is not meant for me to put down deep roots, but I am thankful for the time I have to put down some small, shallow roots here in South Carolina.  I believe it will be good for me.  Note – Important lesson is to never pull up your roots when you go, even the shallow ones……sometimes they turn out to be much deeper than you realize.  I am so thankful for friends who have never let me go, and continue to dig their roots deeper and deeper in my life.

This has been a strange twisted post, but then so has my journey of the last 10 years!!  I know people who were born and lived their entire lives in a 5 mile radius!! They have a collection of family and friends within walking distance, and I become so envious. What a great life to be able to share your history, moments, holidays, sickness, joys, fears, love within such a close knit circle, to be totally vulnerable with people who know you so well.  But my life journey is different, yet not worse.  There are new paths to explore, new friends to cultivate, new experiences to relish and enjoy……my road is not straight to the destination, but long and winding filled with bumps and hills and left hand turns.  But the views and vistas, the sights and sounds, savoring the new and the old……..it is not the road I would have chosen, but the road that has been chosen for me, and I gratefully traverse down the long and winding road!!